what to do?

I have so missed blogging. I love it. I love sharing myself with you guys and crazily checking my messages to check to see if anyone has read my thoughts. I kind of feel lost without it.

I'll tell you why I've been out of commission. One, I started feeling like total crap a month ago. I had rectal bleeding and so much pain it was ridiculous ( I know for some, tmi, but for the rest of you, you understand). I just had a total hysterectomy a year ago and this new agony depressed me misreably. I was finally feeling great. I even asked for a gym membership for my birthday present. Through this bout I was in the hospital twice. I had many tests. My white-blood-count was extremely high (which showed an infection or something else). I was told I have colitis....which could be triggered by ulcerative colitis or Chrohns disease. 3 doctors thought it looked like Chrohn's. But I had a colonoscopy (which if any of you have had one........bless you, the prep is a nightmare....enough said) and he only saw a hemorrhoid, not Chrohns, not cancer, not ulcerative colitis. So I should be good to go............but I was still having severe pain. I had been in the hospital for 2 1/2 days, when the city was undergoing a severe flood, when the 4th doctor comes in and says, "Oh, maybe it is just gas. Just take some Gas-X." I had been there forever, through numerous tests.......I couldn't believe it. And so, I had a breakdown.

I was crying uncontrollably. I could not take it. It was unreal. I paged the nurse. I wanted to see the doctor. I couldn't believe that was my diagnosis.

The nurse came in and tried to console me. She basically told me to find a doctor I trusted, one who would help me take care of my problems. The doctors there just want to get you in and out. She told me to find a doctor I trust.

So I called Dr. Burton, my doctor that did my hysterectomy. My doctor that delivered Zander. My doctor that helped me through all of my endometriosis problems. He saw me the very next day.

Dr. Burton is the absolute best. He hugs me and cares about my problems. He examines thorougly and always talks about whatever is bothering you. He is like a father figure...........I wish I could nominate him for a prize........he always makes me feel better! He examined me and said yes, I did still have a small intestine infection (but all of the antibiotics I got in the hospital would make me feel better). So I didn't feel crazy.... and he helped me understand that maybe I was anxious or depressed and needed medicine to help that too. I've taken the medicine and I feel great! All of those I love most ( Matt and mom) have seen a great difference in my mood. Dr. Burton was so wonderful when I admitted to him that depression runs in my family and I didn't really want to admit I needed that help also. He hugged me and told me I was really strong for admitting I needed some help.

Even if we aren't religious, I think we all pray........to someone. I feel I pray to my personal God. There are so many religions, beliefs, but I think if you feel it in your soul, He is Your God. Thank You My God for giving me my personal family, my Mom, my Dad, and my own soul.......They help me make me who I am.