Monday, October 31, 2011

a different perspective

I was SO dreading Halloween.

Halloween was MY holiday. My favorite HOLIDAY. I mean for pete's sake, I established Falloween for the past TEN YEARS to garner excitement for the day. I was the one who made elaborate treats, elaborate costumes, elaborate "excitement" for everyone involved. Even BEFORE I had kids.

So I was hurt this year. Hurt that the costume I had planned for my kids, and actually made for Kaya, was vetoed.

They are with dad this year. The ultra-sticker stabber of divorce. It made me sad. The kids told me that dad already ordered their costumes so my plans were out the window---because it was "dad's day". I wanted to say something, but kept my mouth closed.

I swallowed my pride and went to his house for "trick-or-treat".


it was kind of nice being the "visiting" parent and not have to deal with the costume malfunctions.

it was kind of nice being the "visiting" mom.....which made them so excited to see me.

it was kind of nice being the "visiting" parent...who had tons of fun with them getting candy but not the one that had to get them to bed after they had all of that candy.

it was kind of nice visiting with all of my "old" neighbors and enjoying them....without worrying about what my kids were doing.

Yes, it's hard. It's hard not having my kids each night......but I'm going to count my blessings tonight for all the GOOD THINGS that happened.

It is a different way of life, a different perspective....but it is all good....thanks to all of you.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

all you need is love

Today, I was filled with a single mom, I'm trying to make an income. I'm working my book business as much as I can to make a comfortable living for myself and my children. But it is tough.....I still ask my parents, who are the greatest blessing, for help and I still am blessed by friends and the kindness of strangers to get what I need. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME.

This morning I got up at 5:00 even though I didn't "have to get up" until about 7:30. I got up to exercise, pray, and have some time to myself. While I'm praying I didn't have the "best" attitude. I'm angry with how life is going.....I want things to get resolved....I want things to go my way. But I read some scripture: Matthew 26:36-39. At first I didn't want to read it because I thought "God, REALLY I have to read Mattthew.......kind of ironic...but my DivorceCare passage said do it." But in that is the passage where Jesus prays before he is crucified and he says " My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

I'm not trying to say my "CUP" is a fraction of big of what Jesus was going through at that time....but that scripure hit me. I WANT my kids.....I miss them.....It kills my heart. Some may think I'm a wimp because I do see them at least a few times a week and sometimes 5 days at a time. But I am used to seeing them EVERY DAY......for most of their life. Splitting custody and only seeing them for days at a time instead of each day BREAKS my heart.

So today was my day to get them.......I was so excited. But also overwhelmed with guilt. I have a bookfair going on that I am working ( to make that money I was talking about) and the bookfair open-houses are tonight and tomorrow night......when I have my kids. I was so torn between working and spending time with my kids that my heart was aching.

BUT I had to take them with me. I knew they could behave. I took lots of stuff for them to do to occupy themselves. I even told them they could "work" for a book by passing out bookmarks and stickers. BUT I felt guilty.

BUT the bookfair experience went beautifully for my kids. THEY LOVED IT! When we left, Kaya said "Mom, I love going to work with you....can we do it again?" Zander said, "Mom, I just love Wednesdays when I get to spend time with you and I love working are the nicest and most fun mom ever."

Guess my "cup" is getting taken care of.

Then we get home. It is so cold here in Atlanta.....30 degree weather in October!! And I figure out my furnace burners and heat does not work now.......and it is too late for anyone to come fix it!! So, I tell the know what, lets all sleep together in mom's bed.....with lots of quilts. (I'm typing this now in my sweatsuit, robe, and snuggly socks because it is SO COLD in our house....a brisk 50 degrees). I also read to them the "Little House in The Big Woods" by Laura Ingalls Wilder, about when they had such a cold winter that they all had to bundle together under quilts to keep warm. I told them that was what we were doing tonight. Zander just giggled and said, "Oh Mom, this is the BEST night of my life. I LOVE spending time with matter the problem, we figure it out." Oh he thinks we are living the "old-timey" life but I am warming all the quilts in the dryer......thank goodness we have electricity!!

SWEET BOY. I am BLESSED. I was so worried about being a working single-mom---and worried they would gripe about the heat.......BUT my sweet kids showed me my "cup" is being taken care of and all we need is LOVE.