Wednesday, January 16, 2008

guilt

For all 5 of you that read my blog, I guess you have noticed I haven't posted daily lately like I used to. I haven't been feeling well and didn't know what to post at times when I wasn't feeling so happy or positive. So now, I'm going to attempt to stop feeling guilty and share my feelings about what has been going on with my health.

As many of you know, I've suffered from female menstruation problems since I was 9 years old. It is a continual roller-coaster ride dealing with pain, bleeding, and just feeling bad. I have gone through so may pills, treatments, surgeries, etc. that it is sometimes just too much to comprehend. In an earlier post this year I talked about this and how I was going to have a cheerful heart......well, I'm trying but when you're in constant pain it is sometimes so hard to force your heart to be cheerful.

I went to the doctor yesterday for more tests to see if I had tumors inside my uterus. The good news I don't have them on the inside ( I have a fibrous one on the outside, but not a reason for concern). The bad news is I don't have them on the inside...so we're still investigating the pain. I was diagnosed with dysmenorrhoea, menorrhagia, and some disorder I can't remember the name of. I am also blessed with having endometriosis. I always said 4 was my lucky number so lucky me.....I have 4 disorders of the reproductive system! I am thankful that none of these are life-ending disorders, just life-altering for me right now. ( you can click on the names of these if you want to read about them........fun reading, guaranteed!)

But my biggest pain is all of the guilt I'm having.....

I feel guilty that I don't feel well enough to have arts, crafts, or lessons with my kids every day. I feel guilty that on most nights I go to bed between 8 & 9 and don't see Matt for that long. I feel guilty that I have to ask my mom to stay here an extra day to help me because I'm still sore from my procedure. I feel guilty that I'm making you read about all of my health issues, I know you have better things to do. I feel guilty that I feel sorry for myself at times......look at how blessed I am to have two beautiful children. Many women with endometriosis never have children. I feel guilty that I can't force myself to be positive all the time and have a cheerful heart.

So now my treatment is to try another pill for a couple of months and see what happens. If that doesn't work, it is back to surgery (operative laparoscopy) again. I love my doctor and truly feel that I'm in good hands.
Here are my prayers as I wait and see......
* I pray that I can be as cheerful as possible and add joy to those around me.
* I pray that I get rid of the guilt surrounding me right now.
* I pray that the pain and bleeding gets better and I can feel like myself again.


Thanks for reading. That is the end of my sob story..........I'll not dwell on this and post happier blogs for you later. But thanks, friends, for allowing me to be my venting self today.

3 comments:

JennyB said...

some women (a lot of women) feel guilty for not being as amazing as you are--in spite of the pain. I hate that you are hurting, and I pray you find relief. But I really despise that you feel guilty about all of the other things. Damn the guilt my friend! Damn IT! I know Matt and your Mom understand and I am sure your kids are going to be just fine with or without the adorable crafts. Take care of yourself sweet one, guilt will not help your recovery.

JonDavid and Karissa said...

Maybe this inspirational blog will help you in the quilt you feel( www.holyexperience.blogspot.com, please read Tuesday Jan 15, Widening Circles and Monday the 14th Words to live by. ). i am so sorry for your pain. Never be afraid to be who you are at any given moment. It is who the Lord made you to be...who you are.
I pray you will be well and be free.

craftykorisa said...

Thanks for both of your prayers. I truly appreciate it!

Karissa,
It is so nice to have a new blogging buddy....I had read yours too before through Jenny's page. It made my morning to have a comment from you!