Tuesday, February 26, 2008

my thoughts about my life and upcoming surgery

Here is the latest big endometriosis news.... I will have laparoscopic surgery to diagnosis and remove any endometriosis scaring on March 24th. I knew this was coming and I'm ready for it and also dreading it...

As I said a few months ago I don't like to dwell on my pain. However for those that see me often, I'm sure you hear about it. AND I truly apologize..... I hate it that it consumes my life. I think about it almost all the time. When I'm in pain I debate to myself, "Is this enough pain to take a pain pill?" or "Can I just deal with it for a few hours?". AND when I'm not in pain I want to do EVERYTHING fun....dance with my kids like crazy, go out and shop, drink a martini, see friends.....I just can't get enough good things from life....I know endometriosis isn't a life-threatening disease but when I get those moments when I feel like me again----I just can't stop the splurging for myself....

I guess the positive of feeling like an invalid is this......I've grown spiritually. AND that was one of my Becoming a Bigger, Better, Me Goals.....
Now I am laughing to myself. Because I've been searching....for that part of me that will make life have a purpose. And it seems to now. I've prayed to God, Jesus......I've meditated Buddhist style (however, I'm sure the Buddha would laugh at my meditation)...I've read 2-3 inspirational readings daily.....
And today, before I discovered the date for my surgery (that I've fretted and been so anxious about), ALL OF MY SPIRITUAL GUIDANCES WERE TELLING ME TO LET GO AND BE COMPASSIONATE TOWARDS OTHERS...

So I've decided that MUST be a sign, a sign for me to LET GO and release my selfish desires of wanting to be a healthy woman with the gifts to have more children. I know this surgery isn't taking away this but hopefully it will take away all the pain and suffering I'm having. I also want to participate in a healthy, normal, physical marriage because that has been taken away also because of this disorder. I'm just wanting to let go of this notion that I'm less of a woman because I have to go through all of this. I feel like now I need to stop thinking about my pain and do something for others' pains.......

So...I have prayed and I'm coming to peace with myself now.....whatever they find, is okay. I have two beautiful, amazing, children that have brought unbelievable joy to my life. I have so many friends with incredible children that I love. God is blessing me now by bringing my 2 Nelson girls closer to me to embrace, by giving me the strength to go see my other friends' children, I'm praying he gives me more little cousins to love, and one day in the future I hope to have a little niece and nephew (no pressure, Teri). So, I am SO BLESSED by all the little children around me.....how could I complain.

I won't dwell on my pain........but I do appreciate all of your prayers. Hopefully in a month I will feel better! I will give a recovery update after the procedure.

1 comment:

JennyB said...

though it was a life time ago that we share our daily lives, I am aware that you have been in pain for this long. I am sorry and frustrated along with you. I am thankful for your peace and praying deeply for you to feel amazing.