Sunday, August 24, 2008

I don't love you for your ovaries

On Thursday I made probably one of the biggest decisions of my life. After months of unbearable pain, years of medicines, several surgeries and a blood transfusion, and the day-to-day burden of endometriosis.....I will soon have a total hysterectomy. I have researched and explored other options. I have taken herbal supplements for a year try to help me. I have looked into accupuncture and saliva testing for holistic treatments. But I am done.....I'm done being an experiment. I'm done with the pain and bleeding. I'm done and ready to move on. My doctor, Matt, and I agreed that this was the only was to stop the pain and begin a quality, pain-free life.

So, how am I dealing with this? The last few days my mind has been whirling with feelings of relief and sadness. Relief that one day soon I won't have to take a pain pill and sit on a heating pad just to post on my blog. And sadness, that I know I will never experience childbirth or having another baby.

Part of me feels so selfish that I even worry about other kids. Look at my children......how could I be more blessed? Especially after being told by doctors that I would never have children and having a mindset since I was nine that my dream to be a mother would never happen.
Maybe that is why I've always been drawn to children since an early age. I always loved being a babysitter, a camp counselor, a bible-school teacher, day-care worker, and eventually an elementary school teacher.
I look at my two sweet, wonderful, silly kids and know my life has been enriched.

But I still get weepy......and I'm sure I will on occasion.

I'm so thankful I have friends and family to lean on during this time. EVERYONE that I have talked to have been the pictures of support. I was really nervous to talk about the hysterectomy at first because I know it is such a major, irreversible decision. But my friends and family have been wonderful. I could tell that they were all sad for me because it is such an emotional decision, but happy that I would soon have a normal life. Matt told me, "I don't think you even know what it is like to have a pain-free life. You probably have no clue what normal people feel like. It is pretty awesome." When I told another friend that my cramps feel like I'm in labor 24-7 she said, "No wonder you're the only person I know who thought childbirth wasn't all that painful."
But I think my favorite comment from a friend was this (and I'm sure I'm not quoting it back verbatim, but close enough),
"Korisa, the reason I have admired, respected, and loved you for all this time was not for your ability to bear children. I don't love you for your ovaries."


So dear friends and readers, keep me in your thoughts. I'll let everyone know when the actual surgery is when I find out. It is supposed to be scheduled next week. I told my doctor that I had to have my daughter's 2nd birthday ( you know I love a party, priorities, of course) so more than likely the major surgery will be late September or early October. I'll try to share positive posts until that time but may have a weepy moment or two....

After several anonymous comments (not the ones from the anonymous people I know).....I have decided to add the following to this post....

I have dealt with this problem for years.....although I am not yet 32, I have dealt with it for 21 years. Yes this means this all began since I was nine.

So I have put considerable thought into my decision and have gone to many doctors, had many opinions, and many surgeries, natural treatments, etc during this time.

I know as a blogger I'm putting myself out there but I was not expecting an all out lecture from the hysterectomy police. The first comment, I shrugged off. But after 3 more I thought this is ridiculous. Shouldn't we, as women, support each other's decisions about her body.

I was posting this to let my readers that care about me and my family and friends know what is going on in my life. If you don't know me, you probably have not seen me tear up due to the pain, watched my ups and downs with this problem (and yes it IS Endometriosis. I have had 2 laparoscopic surgeries to confirm this), or knew that I had to have blood transfusion at age 10 because I almost died from the severe bleeding. This is not an easy decision that I just decided on a whim to do.

Those of you that know me or have been reading my blog and commenting on the happy parts of my life for the past year, by all means leave your comments. For all of you that have no clue who I am, where I'm from, or the pain and bleeding I'm dealing with, back off. You WILL NOT change my mind.

Thanks again to my friends, family and readers who have supported me.......xoxoxo

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Endometriosis is usually misdiagnosed and confused with other treatable conditions, such as pelvic inflammatory disease. You might try to call the HERS Foundation at 610-667-7757 for a counseling session to help you review your medical records determine if another option exists.

In the meantime, visit http://hersfoundation.org/ to watch the HERS Foundation's "Female Anatomy" video to hear what women say after hysterectomy.

It's your right to know,

Denise

Anonymous said...

I know about all the problems you have had and know you have weigh all your options. I support your decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

A hyst does not cure endo. removing endo helps the pain.

Have you seen the articles on this site?

centerforendo.com

They are amazing people, and are light years ahead of the treatment you've received so far.

I wish I'd gone there years ago.

They will do a FREE evaluation.

Anonymous said...

Unless you have adenomyosis, having a hyst might be the worst thing in the world for you...I have seen many women get depressed post-hyst...You need to do more research and not rush in to this...this is a lifetime decision...and you and your docotor don't seem to know enough....

Dr Redwine, a pioneer in excision sugrery, calls hyst's 'castration.' Is your doctor an endo expert? If not, you and anyone else should always have a consultation with one.

This is an excellent support board

http://erc.activeboard.com/

Also, progesterone has helped me so much with heavy bleeding.

Have you ever had your hormones tested? Has your doctor ever recommended that? many women over 35 are very low in progesterone - and too high in estrogen. This messes them up - heavy bleeding etc

This is a great place to look into

http://www.womensinternational.com/

http://www.womensinternational.com/ask_a_pharmacist.html

These are some thing women look into post-hyst, that they wish they had looked into BEFORE

there's another site, hysteristers

excellent article

http://www.endometriosistreatment.org/html/reprint7.html

Anonymous said...

By the way, reading another of your comments - coffee is one of the worst things for endo.

Dietary recommendations are excellent here at endo-resolved.com

You can always get a hyst. you can't undo it though. You need to speak to other people, including endo experts and women who have suffered from depression post-hyst.

There is so much help for women out there.

I think you're in TN? COuldn't quite figure out where, from the posts.

One of the top endo experts in the country is in TN.

There's another doctor in NE.

He is one of the top doctors, women travel from all over to see him

http://www.gyndr.com/

Here is another doctor, Dr Hilgers,

naprotechnology.com

Give an endo expert a chance to work with you and help you.

RYD said...

CK, I cannot believe that anyone would write anything other than "I Support You." I'm sorry you had to read other comments that don't.

I wish you well with your decision, as do those around you who love you, so hang in there. As I usually tell my close friends, allow yourself to mourn, because you need to do that for yourself, and when you are done playing the Joni Mitchell and Ricki Lee Jones records, put them away and remember the many, many blessings you have. I wish you nothing but the best. :)

xo-RYD

craftykorisa said...

Ryd,

Thanks so much. It is nice to see you are back!

I was shocked to see so many unsupportive comments too. Maybe my editing to the post will end some of that. :)

I'm gonna go check your site now.....can't wait to read your first post after vacation.

JennyB said...

I love you, my precious friend! And I cannot wait for you to start living without all of that pain.

xoxo

Angela Riggs said...

All my support, prayers and love to you and your decision. I know it was a difficult decision for you to make.

I've always considered you such a happy person. I can only imagine the happiness you'll feel when you are finally past all this pain.

Love, Ang

Amy said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I can't imagine how hard it was for you to make this decision. You have my full support and only God and you know what is the right thing to do. You are such a great mom already and just think how much better you will be without the pain anymore. Lots of love!!!!!!!

Sydney Burden said...

Korisa,
Im sorry to hear you have been in so much pain for so long. I see that many people have posted discouraging comments to your blog. They may have some knowledge about your condition but probably not your pain. I know that after my mother's hysterectomy she was a different woman. She didnt suffer from endometriosis, but she had a tumor on her uterus the size of a six month old fetus that had been misdiagnosed for years. She was in tremendous pain, and often wasnt able to leave the house because she bled so much. Her decision to have the surgery didnt require much thought. Granted she was 43, and knew for sure she was done having children, but I had never seen her so happy and free once it was over. I know she has never regretted her decision. And her menopausal symptoms were very mild, and still are now. I wish you the best, and I'll be thinking about you.

Syd

Frances said...

Korisa,
The first time I just read your story, today I saw your additional comment and decided to browse what others had to say......WOW - there are a few people out there who think they are the experts huh? Don't you hate that?
So let me say something on your behalf;
If she took the time to blog about it, obviously it's something that has weighed on her mind for some time. From reading the story it was obvious that she consulted the best PROFESSIONALS available. And who doesn't know that a hysterectomy isn't reversable? No F*cking sh*t REALLY? Support, Offer advice, but don't be f*cking rude.
Ok - I'm done. Have a wonderful rest of the weekend and I'll see you in a couple of weeks. I really just wanted to go to your 2 Tots 2 Teach link for ideas on crafts to do with Jack, but I couldn't resist......

Frances